The Rhythm of Our Days

powerful word, that one. I’ve been thinking about it, after having been called one. When we call someone a “liar” , what are we saying about their words…

that we’ve already decided their merit? That they are untrue? What if we have not listened to both their words and the meaning behind them? Are we qualified to then say what they say are not true? If we haven’t listened, but rather just decide from the outset that we don’t agree, don’t care to explore, and would rather it all just go away, have we validated that person and their position? What if we’ve listened through a “filter” of sorts that isn’t listening at all, with our reply ready to go as soon as they shut their mouth?
Does it take our agreement with something to make it true? I, for one, don’t think so. But I’ve come across this idea before. So man-centered and egotistical are some aspects of our culture that they simply do not believe in the truth of anything unless they agree with or have experienced it themselves. If they’ve decided it’s one way, then evidence and testimony to the contrary will not sway them. Close-minded and hard-hearted, they are not open to true dialog on any level…only diatribe.
I’ve also been thinking about what kind of parents this makes those who behave this way. A little child can have a small voice. They are easily dismissed by parents pushing their own agendas. In our world this hits every extreme, from the child’s very life in the womb to how we dress them and how they are taught (or not). When a child believes something we know not to be true, how helpful is it to just dismiss what they are thinking and feeling by stating how false it is? Or that they are silly? It is real to them and the very best parents, I think, validate their reality in a respectful way. They may still address the actual truth of the matter…. (remember Mr. Rodgers and his reminder that we will not go down the drain in the tub? It stands out in memory because he honestly and directly spoke the truth of something while still very respectfully honoring a child’s belief in something else).
I am not “spreading lies” just because the hearer happens to either disagree or doesn’t want to hear it. Truth vs. Falsehood is decided by other criteria. Even if it’s not HER truth, it is mine and hers is also her own. I can validate her truth without agreeing with it.

I’ve seen adults act this way in a variety of situations. Scoffing. Dismissive. Defensive. Not responsive to another’s reality at all. Tangling up the issue. Going of on tangents. How long do people stay friends, or even just in the company, of someone who treats them this way?

And so….maybe it helps me to think of this person as a little child. She believes something. Namely, that I am a liar that wishes she would stop unschooling. That I came on her list as a hit-and-run commenter out to insult her listmates.

Okay. I validate that this is HER truth. Being the other side of it, I can only offer what I see as MY truth:

• I joined her list looking for true dialog and encourgement; a renewed inspiration for strewing and ideas in my home. Knowing dialog can’t happen with lurking, and having lurked for many years prior, I felt comfortable jumping in with a question. When this question was poorly worded (my fault) and thus interpreted as an insult, I apologized both on the list and in private. I received no response from the list and only scolding (not an acceptance) from the list owner. When I joined, I had no intention of leaving…so I can not agree that I was a “hit and run” commenter. I have since found what I was looking for, in a kinder spirit, on other lists. I prefer to “live and let live” and so that particular list was left to allow those there to do as they preferred…not to run away.
• She says I am lying to say she moderated and ignored my comments. This one is pure, evidential fact. One email says, “I am moderating this because it sounds snarky….”. I have emails I sent with apologies and attempts to clarify that received no responses. She wanted to drop it at the time, saying it was a distraction. I respected that by stopping my email efforts and by clearing the majority of the conversation from my inbox. I also left her list. But the truth of this one remains; I think it’s up to her to admit that, in her own time, in her own way.
• Lastly, I don’t wish she would quit unschooling. I don’t wish she would stop providing resources or sharing her experience. I do, however, wish that in pursuit of presenting a “pure” form of unschooling, she would be more polite and respectful to those who have intelligently chosen another way. This would require more benefit-of-the-doubt on her part…the poster may have landed on her site mistakenly, with a misunderstanding, or out of true curiousity to grow, and a real nurturing environment will allow for that. Her co-leaders manage this quite well. In the call to please respect those inquiring on her list, I do not understand how I give the impression that I would rather she quit her unschooling efforts. I invite her to explain this point; I am willing to listen to her viewpoint and perhaps continue the original discussion to the point of mutual understanding. Without it, I see too great a glaring difference between her personal interaction and what she presents on her website to find her credible.

A disagreement between adults ought to be addressable without the use of words like “snarky” and “liar”. Where there is respect, there will not be name-calling. As unschooling itself is built on respect and trust, I’d expect it’s loudest spokesperson to emulate this…wouldn’t you?

Firstborn and his Godfather.

W with his bamboo rod.

What was lame-o about this is that my batteries died at the fishing pond; after this we went to a river with lush greenery and shade all around where the boys caught Blue Gill. It was a perfectly serene and picturesque vision and all I got was the muddy pond….at least memories are golden!

Ah yes…she’s not always that quick on her feet but eventually she gets it! ;-).

That’d be me, of course.

Over on The Lilting House,  Melissa blogged again about Tidal Homeschooling and how it allows her to embrace the best of two schools of thought on education for the benefit of her children: Charlotte Mason and Unschooling. I myself have had a recent disillusion regarding Unschooling, or more appropriately…Sandra Dodd’s particular interpretation and representation of  the idea, mindset, and practice (the truth of which will not be found on her website but must be discovered through interaction with her).  To be more precise, I  now question and doubt her representation of  it  in the face of  her inability to afford other adults the same courtesy, respect, and  space that she  claims we should  all give to children.

ANYWAY. We exchanged comments for in brief under Melissa’s post. Why? Because I feel compelled to “blow the whistle” on someone who has chewed up women before and gets away with it. And, because she tried to represent my experience on her list Always Learning (yahoogroups), which she did incorrectly, and I straightened the record. She also, in my opinion, grotesquely insulted the host of that blog, Melissa, by inferring she is less than “fully committed” by not being a whole-hog unschooler.

So that is where I was today. Sweeping the floor, rearranging my day to flex with sudden events, getting some soup in the crock pot, and trying to be open to whatever else surprises come my way today, when BAM! That’s when I had my epiphany.

I am not “fully committed” to unschooling (duh; never claimed to be).  Melissa is not either, by her own testimony. What I AM is fully committed to my CHILDREN; not one person’s interpretation of a philosophy.  And THAT is why I still have an open issue with Ms. Dodd. Her insistence in a puritanical view towards one philosophy reeks of a sort of twisted and rigid fundamentalism, quite ironically, that can do nothing but crumble apart when met with real life strains, stresses, situations, differences, and individuals. Children with special needs? Mom with a need or two? Well, according to Ms. Dodd, that flies in the face of true unschooling and must be questioned, challenged, and changed.

Well, so there it is. I’m too busy today to continue on to verbalize my “ah-ha”. My children, some who are needier than others today, are calling. THEY are my priority and I’ll not cram them into anyone’s box.

Spammers love this  blog.  Need to clean up the comments methinks.

Sunshine is at a friend’s for half of this week so she can attend AHG camp. And W is splitting time between two other friends’ homes so he can attend scout day camp. Blessing to my village….I couldn’t do it without them!

Firstborn and I have been busy…yesterday I taught him to make banana chocolate chip muffins and frittata. He also prepared fresh green beans. Today we worked in the garden; he transplanted ferns, planted some elephant ears, and helped me prepare a new bed. I hope we’ll get in a game of Yatzee this afternoon and maybe read a little too: he’s reading  the last Harry book on his own time and The First Four Years for his math book with me.

R.K…misses his bubbie and sissie and can actually say their names now. Has given up on potty learning. Fell and smacked his forehead on the planter below the front porch yesterday. Loves his new bouncy horse and tricycle. Wants his own garden hoe. Can count to 2 in english and spanish, and knows “red” and “blue” in both languages too.

Firstborn: finished Dear Mr. Henshaw aloud with me. We worked on the suggested activities in the Math & Stories book  we’ve been working with: predictions, estimation, and graphing. He’s reading  The Goblet of Fire again. He played on the computer quite a bit today and has started a “password journal” for his games. Made the mashed potatoes for dinner and spent much time on the swings this morning; roller blades this afternoon “thinking”.

Sunshine: off with a friend this afternoon. This morning we read “Anno’s Magic Seeds” and did the activities in the Math and Stories book; one on story problems and one on madlib-esque story creation. She also had some computer game time this morning and rode her skateboard for awhile. She’s gotten a lot more physically active now that it’s warm.

W: we read One Fine Day and did the Math and Stories activities: cuisinaire rod comparison. He played “Fate” on the computer, hide and seek with RK, and painted. We read several chapters of The Year of Miss Agnes.

R.K: fine tuning his use of the word, “NnnnnnnnnnnOh!” Has decided he’d rather not poop in the potty just yet so it’s back to diapers. Wants to “baby bye-bye papa eat”, which tranlated means, “I want to go see papa and eat with him”. Knows the colors blue and yellow in english and red in spanish. I guess “rojo” is just easier to say than red?

Had a good talk with the leader of the homeschool tutoring center here today. She’s a graduate of a college we’re interested in, Berea, and she knows little “pockets” of people out here that are not from here and are cultured/lonely. The plan is to get us all together somehow and I have to say it was brighter spot in this situation than I’ve seen in a long time!

This is just a little personal freewrite, on a blog I keep for my own purposes, but let others read because some find that interesting.

I will no longer use the word “unschooling” to define anything my family does. Why?

It’s not because I don’t think we don’t do it. It’s not because I don’t think we haven’t been changed for the better for having implemented what we could from it. It’s not because I think it’s a “bad” word. It’s not because I”m not strong enough to deal with such a loaded word.

It’s because the Unschooling Dominatrix uses it as a baton to bash other people with. I don’t want to be associated with that.

It’s because her cronies, other purists, think I’m not valid as an unschooler. Why give another fodder for judgment on something that is not their business? It’s the equivalent of casting pearls before swine.

It’s because even though my children LIKE to read stories from old textbooks like McGuffey and work through certain workbooks, I’ve been told that having these things in my home mean I “don’t get it”.

It’s because rather than seen as a way to equip and empower my children for their future goals, the way I “unschool” is seen as phony, fake, damaging, and neglectful.
It’s because militant unschoolers are unwilling to explore ideas that may be different than the ones they’ve experienced. For instance: some children NEED, not just want, 3 healthy meals a day that didn’t come from a cardboard box. some children NEED an orderly environment so that they can concentrate best. some children NEED time on their own without Mommy playing with them every gosh-blessed moment of the day. But to these militants? If I’m washing dishes, cooking food, cleaning the house, or doing anything but sit on the floor and playing, I’m not only not unschooling, I’m neglecting my children’s “needs”.

So if all of that is unschooling, then I am not it. If it’s superior to be kind to others, listen to different ways things work for different people, be patient while others work out places in their journeys just as we all have to, then I value that, and if that means I’m “acting superior” then sobeit. I’d take that rather than the alternative they offer.

Do I sound burned? Yes. It’s smarts. Curious term, “it smarts”. It both has hurt and has taught at the same time. There is no need to wish thinkers like that should “take” me.

It’s right up there with the sturdy plastic game boxes that can be bought now, replacing the cheap cardboard ones games come in that fall apart so quickly.

posters with puzzles! This way the edge pieces can be sorted, the inner pieces can be sorted, the boxes can be used, and the puzzle image hung or set nearby to check for placement! Cool idea!

In my “about” page on this blog, which is kept primarily for a little record to myself of what kinds of stuff we’re up to and have done, I mention that I don’t fit into labels well. Over the years I’ve taken parts of many ideologies, mixed them in with David and my personalities, strengths, and weaknesses, and we’ve come up with a mixture that works very well for our family. I suppose that should be enough. And maybe it has to be.

Trouble is…sometimes it’s a little lonely. When I need some new ideas or want to mix in with some like-minds for encouragement or inspiration, I run into major roadblocks. I recently rejoined several lists I had once been apart of…among them a curriculum list with a catholic bend, two classical lists,  and two unschooling lists. It was true 3 years ago and it’s still true today: I’m too flexible, artsy, relaxed, and trusting for the traditional/classical environments. My belief that children must be both ready to receive information and desire to aquire it makes forced, calendar-tight, education too restrictive. And the converse is true. Unschoolers, the hard-core kind like Sandra Dodd, will not have me, this time because I keep a clean house and claim it actually helps me unschool. Turns out, they pretty much only trust creativity and real learning to occur in a messy environment where Mom is always playing rather than cleaning stuff up for the kids to actually be able to access their supplies. That’s the long and short of it at least, after a rather lengthy attempt to engage a dialog that wondered if it was possible to both unschool AND be tidy, at least to a certain point.

I was told to “chill”. I was told I was being “snarky”. I wonder how they could possibly not coerce learning in their own homes when they obviously coerce, scold, and manipulate other adults trying to engage them in conversations they invited.

Sigh. Why bother? Because unschooling really, truly shines when it, as a philosophy and those who practice it, find learning opportunities everywhere, rather than treating some as suspect, some as a waste of time, some as a poor choice that neglects a better one, or some just as “next week’s” lesson. Unschoolers usually are a wealth of creative ideas and tips that enrich an environment and challenge thinking.

So, it’s with a level of dismay that I realize that for at least the purists on Sandra Dodd’s list, Always Learning, they find no learning benefits in either cleaning or cooking. That a clean environment is a boundary their creativity can not cross. I had hoped to find, if not peers and common thinkers, at least a brave soul or two willing to explore the idea.

I guess that means “Moving on”. I really prefer the term “tidal” anyway….there is a constant, holistic, powerful aspect to that word that feels more positive than “un” to me. My children can’t be “unschooled” if they were never “schooled” in the first place but they can learn in a tidal fashion. Highs and lows, ebbs and flows. It can seek out nooks and crannies. It can bend rules and erode self-imposed boundaries. It can encompass and tease our toes, daring us to take a step further.

I certainly don’t have the energy right now to start my own Tidal Homeschooling list. But maybe some day there will be a like-minded buddy out there for me to chat with about learning and education, someone who doesn’t find me “too” much of anything to not be able to converse with. If you are that person, look me up one day. Let’s talk.